Hello, It's Me Again!

A little life update.

So I’ve shared plenty of my negative thoughts here and with others. Sometimes it’s important to vent, but I don’t want to be a Debbie-Downer. The other day a friend of mine shared that my feelings of ‘what’s the point’ brings out her own similar feelings and it’s bringing us both down. It made me feel bad and didn’t reflect the kind of person I want to be. I was doing some self-reflection today and I know objectively, outwardly, life is not that bad. They say that staying in the present liberates us from chains of past pains and anxieties for the future. But there’s an emptiness in the present and in that void, I’m left thinking about the pointlessness of this stillness. But there’s another way to fill that void, and it’s through creating.

I want to share a little life update. About two weeks ago, I moved out of my parents house and am currently renting a room, (inspired by some family drama). Since then, I have been riding a rollercoaster of emotions. I feel a lot of anger and resentment at God for creating me. I get strong urges to self-destruct to gain a sense of agency. I was listening to the audiobook for Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green where he shared his own journey of life, navigating the emptiness and pointlessness of existence. He said there was a period where he too wanted to self-destruct and would intentionally smoke, for the simple sake that it was bad for him. I got angry hearing that chapter because it felt like dismissing these feelings as a mere phase of life we grow out of. As if the injustice of existence isn’t real. I cannot accept the promise of perfect justice, redemption or heaven, as a justification for suffering and injustice within existence and of existence itself. I’m not deluded into thinking god doesn’t exist but I don’t believe god is good. God created all evil and is in control of everything, I’m not placated with an explanation that it’ll all make sense when I die and I’ll perceive the value of suffering eventually.

Anyways, after a little self-harm session and balling my eyes out yesterday, I grounded myself by drawing. It made me feel good about myself. I also saw my abs in the mirror and it made me feel guilty for hurting the body I put so much love into nurturing. I’m not interested in having some grand noble purpose, but there is still more work I want to do on myself. I recently got a gym membership and I’ve been going for a week and a half. I miss lifting and the anticipation of seeing my gains. Since I’m on my own now, I have the opportunity to commit to a diet and continue building my body. My goals right now are just to build more functional strength. That means abs and back for posture and legs for stability. I’ve also been running a little and I’m seeing progress on my endurance. Since I’ve been back on instagram, I’ve connected with lots of cool people and other gym-goers. It’s really encouraging to be surrounded by people who have aspirational physiques and hype up my small progress. My biggest propeller right now is refreshing my wardrobe to better reflect who I want to be, including the body I want to have.

Is it vain that the only thing keeping me going is my body? Yes, but I don’t care. I’ve decided I no longer want to self-harm, not because I’m complacent with existence, but because I love myself and I deserve to take care of my body. I’ve decided to channel self-destruction in other ways, like blowing all my money on clothes and wearing every hoe top to ever exist :)

Thanks for reading! I’d love to know, have you read any John Green books? I didn’t know he had so many, I read both his non-fictions.