Don't Date, Create!

Exploring the solution to loneliness.

Is ‘loneliness’ the new buzzword? I’m seeing it everywhere: essays on how marriage is not the be-all end-all to solve loneliness or “how-to” posts for attracting a partner as a cure. I’ve seen explorations of the male loneliness epidemic and prose on the experience of loneliness and articles about coping with loneliness. Needless to say… it’s been on my mind.

My two cents is that creating art is the solution.

Ever since I started making art, the weight of loneliness has been lifted from my shoulders. I’m no longer puddled on the ground in despair or sliced in half at the sight of couples. I’m honestly grateful for the experience, because it forced me to grow in a new way and explore the realm of emotions.

I thought emotional regulation meant to suppress feelings, which decreases distress, but leaves me feeling numb and hollow. We’re emotional beings and we need to feel. It’s pleasant when I experience positive emotions but devastating to experience negative ones. But I can’t turn on one and not the other, which made me question: how do I cope with negative emotions? In search of an answer, I came across Ethan Kross’s book¹. In this book, he interviewed a Navy SEAL to better understand how they bear the burdens of their jobs. From the start of their training, Navy SEALs are pushed to the brinks of starvation, trained to endure excruciating pain and dragged through extreme weather conditions. The logical assumption to endure such hardships is to shut off all emotions. But the SEAL shared how feelings of hope and the promise of romance made the pain more bearable. He shared how there was a girl in the bootcamp that he’d exchange glances with and it was the thoughts of this potential romance that propelled him through the hardships. These positive emotions act as a mediator to prevent negative circumstances from making their way inside us to foster hopelessness.

So no pain no gain even applies to emotions. If we want to experience the positive ones, the negative ones can’t be suppressed. The key to dealing with emotions is to express them. We have emotional needs like the need to feel seen and heard; to be desired; to belong; and to feel safe. Initially, in a romantic relationship, all our needs are met and this feeling of wholeness is what we call love. But a romantic relationship is not the only way I can meet my emotional needs. I can fulfill them through art. Expressing myself through writing makes me feel seen and heard and safe. Making pretty things makes me feel desirable. And since art cannot be made without referencing other art, I feel a sense of belonging with other creatives. These experiences validate my existence on my own terms. Overcoming loneliness is not about my external circumstances, it’s about my internal experience and how I feel about myself. Because my internal experience gives me hope for better outcomes.

Hope and anticipation is really where our pleasure lies. The most gratifying experiences are not when we get what we want, it’s at the cusp of getting it. That’s why breakups from short term relationships are more intense than breakups from long-term relationships. Short term relationships have the glamour of hope, of what could be. Before I know someone well enough, the future with them looks brighter than it is and the loss of that person also feels like a loss of that potential life. It’s the expectation that this relationship will fill me up. These overzealous expectations lead to excessive happiness when there’s a promise of love and excessive sadness without it. Allah reminds us in the Quran (13:26) that this life only contains fleeting enjoyment and that He provides and withholds provisions from whoever He wills. That way we don’t become overjoyed or oversaddened by these provisions.

The real problem that left me in pieces was that I felt like a romantic relationship was the only way for me to find emotional fulfillment. But that’s far from the truth (and … unrealistic). Since I’ve been seeking emotional fulfillment through art, I’ve been feeling less lonely. It’s not about replacing human connection, it’s about not putting all my eggs in one basket. Like with multiple streams of income, losing one is not a huge loss. But with a sole source of income, losing it would be devastating. Making art gives me different avenues for emotional expression.

When I feel good about myself through art, it reassures me that I am desirable and with that sense of security, I feel less frantic about needing a relationship to validate me. But just like with my physical health, it requires consistency to nurture my emotional well-being to keep loneliness at bay.

I’d love to know, what’s your take on loneliness

Related Posts

1. Shift: Managing Emotions So They Don’t Manage You by Ethan Kross. I didn’t finish the book but this was a story he shared early on.